Whether it’s a performance review, confronting a behaviour or incident, or breaking up with a lover, nobody loves a hard conversation. In fact, many people do lots of weird things to avoid them.
It’s awkward and challenging and can bring up big emotions when we need to address conflicting ideas or actions with other people. Through a number of challenging life scenarios and watching a lot of Brene Brown I have been working to get better at the tough talks. It’s taken a number of brave moments to practice and I wouldn’t consider that I’ve mastered the challenging chats, but I’ve developed a few things that might help you.
I have managed to have a marriage separation without any major conflicts, by being conscious of my communication, taking personal responsibility and being honest and vulnerable. It obviously means the person on the other side of this is pretty cool too, but we didn’t get to this point without a lot of hard work, and a bunch of difficult conversations.
There are three things I try to do when I’ve faced things that feel uncomfortable. Just like most people, I feel confronted, challenged, or frustrated and angry, but I always keep in mind that people are people, and we’re all in this together. Smoothing out conflict is super important to me, I hate outstanding issues with people, even though sometimes others don’t share my passion for peace. Sometimes of the most challenging times have led to some amazing moments of clarity, gratitude and even greater connection with people, so I think my approach is worth sharing. Here’s the three things I keep in mind when approaching a tough communication situation.
Clarity. I searched for articles about difficult conversations, there are quite a lot around. Many were talking about the context of a work environment around firing or performance management, and it usually started with “Be direct”. The sentiment is correct, but as a word nerd, I’d prefer the approach of being clear. Being direct can lead to a demanding tone, and perhaps misses the opportunity to understand the other person. It’s almost like permission to say your piece. What we want is a scenario where both parties are sharing expectations, and making requests (not demands) to come to a resolution.
The purpose of your conversation has to be clear and uncomplicated. We can really complicate things with our attachment to ideas, ego and big emotions, which all come from a place of fear, or being in fight or flight mode. You need to know what the purpose is, and you need to share it. I recommend spending a little bit of time preparing - write out and speak the words to ensure your intentions are clear and honest. The goal in gaining clarity is that you would understand your own motivations first. Question yourself…
What is the real reason this needs to happen?
What am I prepared to negotiate on?
What do I really feel about this situation?
Compassion Equally as important, is understanding where the other person is coming from. If you spend a minute or two in someone else’s shoes, thinking on their challenges and point of view, it will hopefully help you to approach things with compassion. Everyone is facing their own set of challenges, with their own world views and priorities that affect their decisions all the time. Whether its with a lover, a family member or a colleague, being cognisant of this is essential in being good at communication. There is stuff going on for other people you have no idea about. It doesn’t mean using that as a reason to not address things, but it means that you approach the situation in a way that is calm, kind and helpful.
Behaviour on a particular day doesn’t define a person. To really operate in a place of compassion, what needs to happen is what I call a Third Party Problem. If we pull out the issue and create it as a third party to be dealt with, it will make it much clearer and easier to work with. Eliminating the blame game and addressing the issue as separate to the human will help leave any other background or history behind for solving the issue at hand, and can even develop a team bond: “We are addressing <this thing> together.”
Offering help of some kind is also an act of compassion. Be mindful of the situation as to what you offer, if it’s a performance issue at work, and you don’t want to be burdened with being over involved in someone’s personal problems, keep it about processes. Eg “Let me know if there are any processes you don’t understand or you need some tools to get your job done.”
If there’s something at home that isn’t working well, offering to change a process or responsibility might help. Preparing with knowing your non-negotiables will help, because then you can offer almost anything else as a bid for connection and compassion.
Curiosity - This is my favourite tool, and with practice, is a simple way to approach anything in life that is challenging. I won’t say it’s easy, because when ego or big emotions are in the way, it’s very hard to be curious. However, when you enter a difficult conversation by asking questions, it can disarming, demonstrates compassion, and helps guide the conversation. When you go in with demands, a suit of armour and a know-it-all attitude, you’re definitely going to get negative, defensive emotions.
Curiosity encourages better listening too. To be curious, you have to hear what the other person is saying, and explore it further. So, when you ask a question, use a part of their answer to formulate the next question. Not only will this disarm a conflicting situation, you will learn and grow! Cultivating a curious attitude will help you manage challenging conversations.
Humans are infinitely interesting and complex, and it’s highly unlikely you’d go through a week without some element of challenge or conflict. It’s important not to let that stuff build up, and address things gently with these tips in mind. There are endless opportunities to learn through our human interactions. Observe and take mental notes, you can make these difficult conversations a platform for personal growth, deeper connection and understanding of the world.
Good luck!
x Jade